Doubt
I think the worst thing to have is doubt. The doubt in someone’s intentions or their plans in life. Especially when those plans have something to do with you. I feel like with girls, I really over think things. A lot. Opening up makes me scared. Shit. It makes everyone scared really. I just feel like this line from Childish Gambino - Heartbeat:
Say the wrong thing and wrong girls come runnin’ I’m paranoid that these girls want something from me
I judge people a lot. I observe people a lot. Actions I analyze…a lot. Things that don’t make sense to me…makes me wonder. For example, this one girls blows up on me in a text about not recognizing her thirst for me. I was at work….not near my phone. I replied back. Get no response. I pondered a bit…then I stopped caring. I don’t chase after girls. I chase grades, money, and dreams. When the object of your affection and desire puts other people on a higher pedestal than you….you feel terrible. Trust me I have done this to someone before (or twice…or more) and now that it is me….I feel even worse. The moment when you feel the same pain you caused someone else is astounding. I glanced at my phone and scrolled through my contacts. I wanted to hit some people up (aside from Jomo and Jose who I was speaking to earlier) and had no one. Some of my tumblr friends are doing their thing. Other people were no go.
Made me realize something. I don’t like relying on one person. Options give me a false sense of security. Ever notice when you would bounce from group to group in whatever school you were in. It is like entering a new world each time. It is exhilarating and sometimes addicting. But it is short-lived. After a while you need to move onto a new group to get that high again. I feel that with girls….and it bothers me. I’m patient. I don’t complain. I keep to myself. I do my best to help others. I never feel I matter. The life I live is good right now. But so un-fulfilling. I wish I could be closer to some of my peers. I don’t know. Just wish people really wanted to talk to me. I do notice a few out there though (shout out to my little brother Smooth, Domo, Jose, and Jomo). Can’t discredit people who have been making an effort. Still feel like I want something from people who isn’t possible. So I just deal with it. I don’t hate. I just accept the things I have no choice but to accept. What else can I do?
